Thursday, 30 July 2015

Summer Holiday Blues

I usually love the summer holidays.  All that time spent with my brilliant girl is my idea of heaven. I am sure there are lots of parents rolling their eyes at this point and don't get me wrong it can be incredibly exhausting but I have only one child to amuse and actually she is pretty easily pleased. During the holidays we make the most of every single day we have together. We have adventures with friends, play lots of games, spend time with family and laugh a huge amount. Of course we also get fed up with each other and we have plenty of difficult moments- trying to give her her independence while keeping her safe is always a fine balance. Summer holidays mean local attractions become  busy noisy environments with huge challenges and result in a child who does not leave my side. This summer however Chloe is not next to me, she is with her skilled multi sensory workers or her Dad, or Grandparents as I am recovering from a total hip replacement. I can not tell you how much I am missing her and the following letter is my response to the situation.

Chloe on an adventure.

Dear Chloe,

I want to tell you again how proud I am of you my big seven year old girl. You worked so hard at school this year and once again astonished everyone with your ability to learn and keep up with your peers. You told me today you are not very good at reading but Braille is hard to learn and your teacher is very happy with your progress, don't forget she told Daddy what a delight you are to teach.

I wish more than anything that I could be running with you right now, or taking you to the park with your scooter or going swimming; doing all the fun things we do together. Chloe and Mummy time has always been very precious.. I have loved showing you the world, helping to open it up for you so it makes sense. I miss you when you are at school and you always come home so tired afterwards. During the holidays we get to have fun together.

I am sorry I am not much fun at the moment. You have been so brave and brilliant during the time I was in hospital and since I have been home. One of the hardest things has not been able to tuck you up at night and have our enormous goodnight cuddle. Touch is so important to you and our cuddles have always been very special and very big. Now my hip is slightly less sore at least you can have a cuddle that makes you happy and I am so glad.

I wish I could have put off the operation but my osteoarthritis was getting very bad and I had stopped being able to do lots of things with you because of my hip. You always say to me that I am the best Mummy for you and I hope that my experiences have helped me with this very privileged position. When I was little and had to have surgery on my hips it left me feeling out of place in the world. I had a massive limp and felt really different from everyone else I knew. I spent years trying to catch up which left a huge hollow feeling inside me and eventually as a teenager I couldn't cope any more and got really ill. I never want you to be ashamed of any part of yourself which is why in our house we acknowledge that your eyes and ears don't work like other people's, but also how amazing you are and that you can do anything you want to. Being Deafblind is just a part of who you are but it should not be hidden away or denied.

Accepting that I needed this surgery was very hard but in the long term it is the right decision. Unfortunately right now it has taken me away from you and this makes me really really sad. It is taking every once of my energy to keep up with my rehabilitation and I  am trying to do more each day. At the moment my energy and ability to do things with you is very low but my love for you is just as strong as ever. We are a family that walks a different path. Our cat has three legs, you and daddy have eyes and ears that don't work properly and I have my wonky hips. We are perfect for each other and I can't wait until I am back on my feet and having adventures with you again.

In the meantime I do love listening to all the great things you have been up to and hearing the happiness in your voice. To be honest I need our extra special cuddles as much as you do. I am trying to be patient with myself and my limitations but I feel like half a Mummy. But like everything we are getting through this together with the help of our family and friends and your daddy is being a complete and utter star. I am lucky that there is a solution to my arthritis and that I have you my amazingly resilient child to cheer me up.

All my love forever,

Your Mummy

Climbing a tree without me